A New Beginning

That was it.  That was the last of it.  I gave up what was most important to me.  I now have nothing. 

It hurts. 

The look on her face, the emotion in her words.  She took it better than I did.  I couldn’t breathe I barely could keep the tears from falling, though they blocked my vision.  You could hear it in my voice, I was dying. 

Why did we meet?  Why did we grow close? 

This was His plan.  He gave me the finest gold and told me to choose.  He is the goldsmith and she was the fire; it burned.  Why do we have to feel this pain?  Why couldn’t there be an easier path? 

I just pray that this was not all for nothing.  No. It was not.  I can feel the Comforter here with me.  I am moving on to where He wants me to be.  This is a new beginning. 

I just hope I won’t be the only one. 

I Didn't Feel Anything

I wondered to myself, “If I say it now, will it be true?”  Will I be lying if I said, “I surrender.  I am yours”?  I didn’t feel anything.  I wished for something, anything, but my soul is dead.  But its corpse still gets in my way.  He asked for us to come up.  I was the first one there, wondering, hoping that this would finally be the moment.  I’ve never stepped up before.  I told myself its nothing but a symbol.  But I’ve been frustrated by so many defeats I had to try it.  I stood up there as he spoke to me.  And the words that he said to me held so much truth; this had to be it, yet, as he prayed over me, laid his hands on me, I DIDN’T FEEL ANYTHING!  I wished for something, anything! I walked alone, pleading with God, hoping for change.  I believed I had, but somewhere deep inside there was doubt.  I felt nothing but sadness and disappointment.  Is there no hope for me?  How do I rid myself of this doubt?  He told me that I was waiting for something to happen when something already had.  But how could I be saved if I didn’t feel anything? 

No Escape

I really wasn't into her at first; I hated to be around her.  But she was extra friendly, and I've never been one to push away a potential friend so I reciprocated.  But as usual, things died for a while, we didn't talk for a few months but we were reunited when the school year started back up.  But things had changed.  It began to seem less friendly and more intimate.  I never once thought of her that way; I was strongly opposed to it.  It was made plain, however, that she liked me.  I didn't want to hurt her and I was starting to enjoy our friendship.  But despite my feelings, we grew ever closer.  And to my surprise, she made me feel unnaturally good.  She made me forget how lonely I felt, if only for an instant.  Spending time with her, being next to her, lying beside her evoked feelings I never imagined she could give me.  I was confused.  Do I like her?  Maybe it’s just the loneliness.  Maybe it could've been anyone.  How do I really feel about her?  The way we were around each other made me question our relationship.  I kept hoping that she was just being friendly; maybe I'm not the only one she treats like this.  Then I saw her treat someone else like this.  I should've been relieved.  I should've been ok.  I was pretty irritated, pretty angry.  I felt betrayed.  I felt belittled.  I felt lonely again. I was so jealous.  Why the hell would I be jealous?  I don't even like her like that.  This is what I had hoped for.  So why do I feel like this?  I knew it was foolish so I handled it, set myself straight.  We are only friends and there’s no reason to have all these unnecessary emotions.  For a time, I felt nothing for her.  I was fine, yet, every minute of the day I can hear her voice.  Every time I close my eyes I can see her next to me.  What is this?  Is it impossible to rid myself of this?  This is so strange, and so incredible.  I can’t deny anymore that I really do like her.  I’ve been caged once again.