Chasing Dreams

When I woke from that dream, I felt so high.  It was ecstasy.  It was bliss.  It was paradise.  I have not felt that way in years, and I have been chasing the feeling ever since.  Already I can hardly remember it.  It was just two days ago.  I had put her out of my mind and I know it was for the best.  But she came back to me.  And ever since I have thrown myself into her.  I surrounded myself with the music that reminded me of her.  I studied my dreams of her.  I searched desperately for a way to feel as I did, as I did so many years ago.  Those days were troubled days, stressful, painful... and beautiful, full of life.  But I can hardly feel it now.  I get glimpses of it, these songs, these stories, these dreams, remind me of those days.  I bury myself in it.  That dream brought me so high, and these things are my drugs.  I want to feel it again; but it will never be the same.  I have laid down my head each night, hoping desperately to see her face again.  But I am forsaken.  I have gone numb.  I am grey. 

A New Beginning

That was it.  That was the last of it.  I gave up what was most important to me.  I now have nothing. 

It hurts. 

The look on her face, the emotion in her words.  She took it better than I did.  I couldn’t breathe I barely could keep the tears from falling, though they blocked my vision.  You could hear it in my voice, I was dying. 

Why did we meet?  Why did we grow close? 

This was His plan.  He gave me the finest gold and told me to choose.  He is the goldsmith and she was the fire; it burned.  Why do we have to feel this pain?  Why couldn’t there be an easier path? 

I just pray that this was not all for nothing.  No. It was not.  I can feel the Comforter here with me.  I am moving on to where He wants me to be.  This is a new beginning. 

I just hope I won’t be the only one. 

I Didn't Feel Anything

I wondered to myself, “If I say it now, will it be true?”  Will I be lying if I said, “I surrender.  I am yours”?  I didn’t feel anything.  I wished for something, anything, but my soul is dead.  But its corpse still gets in my way.  He asked for us to come up.  I was the first one there, wondering, hoping that this would finally be the moment.  I’ve never stepped up before.  I told myself its nothing but a symbol.  But I’ve been frustrated by so many defeats I had to try it.  I stood up there as he spoke to me.  And the words that he said to me held so much truth; this had to be it, yet, as he prayed over me, laid his hands on me, I DIDN’T FEEL ANYTHING!  I wished for something, anything! I walked alone, pleading with God, hoping for change.  I believed I had, but somewhere deep inside there was doubt.  I felt nothing but sadness and disappointment.  Is there no hope for me?  How do I rid myself of this doubt?  He told me that I was waiting for something to happen when something already had.  But how could I be saved if I didn’t feel anything? 

No Escape

I really wasn't into her at first; I hated to be around her.  But she was extra friendly, and I've never been one to push away a potential friend so I reciprocated.  But as usual, things died for a while, we didn't talk for a few months but we were reunited when the school year started back up.  But things had changed.  It began to seem less friendly and more intimate.  I never once thought of her that way; I was strongly opposed to it.  It was made plain, however, that she liked me.  I didn't want to hurt her and I was starting to enjoy our friendship.  But despite my feelings, we grew ever closer.  And to my surprise, she made me feel unnaturally good.  She made me forget how lonely I felt, if only for an instant.  Spending time with her, being next to her, lying beside her evoked feelings I never imagined she could give me.  I was confused.  Do I like her?  Maybe it’s just the loneliness.  Maybe it could've been anyone.  How do I really feel about her?  The way we were around each other made me question our relationship.  I kept hoping that she was just being friendly; maybe I'm not the only one she treats like this.  Then I saw her treat someone else like this.  I should've been relieved.  I should've been ok.  I was pretty irritated, pretty angry.  I felt betrayed.  I felt belittled.  I felt lonely again. I was so jealous.  Why the hell would I be jealous?  I don't even like her like that.  This is what I had hoped for.  So why do I feel like this?  I knew it was foolish so I handled it, set myself straight.  We are only friends and there’s no reason to have all these unnecessary emotions.  For a time, I felt nothing for her.  I was fine, yet, every minute of the day I can hear her voice.  Every time I close my eyes I can see her next to me.  What is this?  Is it impossible to rid myself of this?  This is so strange, and so incredible.  I can’t deny anymore that I really do like her.  I’ve been caged once again. 

Close To The Edge

I’m close to the edge; and I know I can fall for you in an instant. 

I miss those emotions.  I miss missing; I miss hoping; I miss dreaming. I remember how crazy I was for the others. I remember the joy of being with them, and the sweet pain of being away. I can’t tell if it hurt more than pleased, or if maybe I enjoyed the pain. I know I can do it again, but I know I shouldn’t; this is the better way. 

I’m close to the edge; and I know I can fall for you in an instant. 

I can easily get lost in your beautiful eyes, or be captured helplessly by your enchanting smile. I can easily drown myself with the sound of your voice. I can so easily be taken away from this place with thoughts and dreams of you. I can feel the emotions rising; it would not be hard to lose myself in you, but I know it would only complicate. Friendship does not require them, but they are so inviting. 

I’m close to the edge; and I know I can fall for you in an instant. 

It is so tempting to just jump off, but I have to stay, or I have to walk away. I’ve never done this before. I’ve only ever been over the edge looking back up. Is this my graduation? Is this how it is meant to be? I really wonder. I don’t know where this road will take me. I don’t know how long I can stand by the edge. I will try. 

Peace

I thought you might be her. I thought that my dreams would finally come true. I thought that we could be together and this night would finally end. But you can’t be her. I can never have you. So many dreams, broken. All my hopes have been betrayed. I’ve hungered so much for you, planned so much, thought so much, worried so much. There was chaos in my mind, but, now, it’s all gone. And the funny thing is, it’s o.k. Words cannot express how free I feel. I have wings, I’m so light. And all I can think about is how much I am going to enjoy being friends with you. This was one of the most stressful weeks of my life. And one of the best. And now I can sleep peacefully, and wake carefree. I’m enjoying life for the first time in years. How many times must I say it for it to finally sink in? Friendship over Love. Friend over Lover. The blazing fire burns out quickly, but the hot embers smolder still. As much as I was devoted to being a good boyfriend, I’m so much more devoted to being a good friend. I will never betray you. I want our friendship to last forever. I feel like I’ve finally found where I belong, like finally I can have peace.

Regrets

I’m 20 years old now, but not once have I had a meaningful relationship. Many “attempts,” more failures. I wonder if I’m a failure. You’re supposed to learn from your mistakes, but I never learn. I make the same mistakes over and over and over again. So many missed and broken opportunities are like smoke, clouding my vision, stealing my air, a constant reminder of where I’ve been, where I could have been. So many missed and broken opportunities are like blades, slicing unforgivingly, renting mercilessly, forever scarring flesh. So many missed and broken opportunities are like rotting trash; my soul is filled to the brim. When I open my mouth, all that escapes is that putrid aroma. So many mistakes and inhibitions color all I do or say to the point where I can’t see redemption. I wish I could take it back. That word that I took so long to say I abused with every chance; I was a fool to think I had it. That word I now refuse to say, love. Where is love? I’ve never seen it. Love isn’t for fools like me.

I thought I loved you. Saying that makes me feel like such a loser. How could I have been so stupid? I barely knew you. But even so, you are the closest I’ve been to breaking my loneliness. I’m sure we could’ve made it. If only I hadn’t listened to that man’s lies. I fell for it. I never thought that he would lie to me, not about this. I was foolish to believe it. Now I know the truth yet there is nothing I can do about it, it’s already over. Now I have to see you with someone else, I’m filled with jealousy. Seeing you with someone else makes me wonder, what could we have been? Why did it have to end like this, leaving me with not even a taste? I wish I could take it back. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I had never left you. Regrets weigh me down, my soul is heavy. Why did I have to ruin everything?

And I thought I loved you. That’s not so bad, I knew you well. I’ve said it before, you were my dream gurl. But that was the old me. You were NewBlood’s dream. NewBlood is dead, I have a new dream. Even as I say this, I know NewLloyd’s dream is so much like you. I was afraid I could never kill that part of me if I got with you. I’m sure I was right but that doesn’t excuse my inaction. Even before I set out to kill him, even then I did nothing. I was a loser. I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid so I didn’t try. I hate myself for that. When I started talking to her, I felt like I was betraying you. I always wonder who I would’ve become if I went with you, if only he didn’t have to die. I wanted so badly for us to stay close even if we couldn’t be together, but I “fell in love” with her. I gave everything to her and forgot about you. That is most painful to me. I’m a terrible friend. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I had never given up. Regrets are like needles in my flesh. I can’t move without them cutting me deeper. Why did I have to ruin everything?

I knew I didn’t love you. I have grown at least that much. Yet, the feelings I’ve had for you are the strongest I’ve ever had in my life, including this hopeless emotion. Never before have I failed so misserably. Regrets.. What could I compare this feeling to? Salt on open wounds as I continue to mess u0p, Sleep after a blow to the head when I feel like giving up, Cleets poking holes in the side of my fallen face as I realize I can’t, A rusty knive twisting the insides of my stomach when I see you with someone else, Intense heat after even more intense freeze when I feel it’s not too late, Being stomped to death when I find, all my hope has been for nothing. So many regrettable decisions that never end. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I wasn’t such an idiot. I wish I was more like them. I wash I hadn’t sacrificed being normal for this. I wish I hadn’t waited so long. I wish I could forget it all. Why do I have to ruin everything?