Regrets

I’m 20 years old now, but not once have I had a meaningful relationship. Many “attempts,” more failures. I wonder if I’m a failure. You’re supposed to learn from your mistakes, but I never learn. I make the same mistakes over and over and over again. So many missed and broken opportunities are like smoke, clouding my vision, stealing my air, a constant reminder of where I’ve been, where I could have been. So many missed and broken opportunities are like blades, slicing unforgivingly, renting mercilessly, forever scarring flesh. So many missed and broken opportunities are like rotting trash; my soul is filled to the brim. When I open my mouth, all that escapes is that putrid aroma. So many mistakes and inhibitions color all I do or say to the point where I can’t see redemption. I wish I could take it back. That word that I took so long to say I abused with every chance; I was a fool to think I had it. That word I now refuse to say, love. Where is love? I’ve never seen it. Love isn’t for fools like me.

I thought I loved you. Saying that makes me feel like such a loser. How could I have been so stupid? I barely knew you. But even so, you are the closest I’ve been to breaking my loneliness. I’m sure we could’ve made it. If only I hadn’t listened to that man’s lies. I fell for it. I never thought that he would lie to me, not about this. I was foolish to believe it. Now I know the truth yet there is nothing I can do about it, it’s already over. Now I have to see you with someone else, I’m filled with jealousy. Seeing you with someone else makes me wonder, what could we have been? Why did it have to end like this, leaving me with not even a taste? I wish I could take it back. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I had never left you. Regrets weigh me down, my soul is heavy. Why did I have to ruin everything?

And I thought I loved you. That’s not so bad, I knew you well. I’ve said it before, you were my dream gurl. But that was the old me. You were NewBlood’s dream. NewBlood is dead, I have a new dream. Even as I say this, I know NewLloyd’s dream is so much like you. I was afraid I could never kill that part of me if I got with you. I’m sure I was right but that doesn’t excuse my inaction. Even before I set out to kill him, even then I did nothing. I was a loser. I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid so I didn’t try. I hate myself for that. When I started talking to her, I felt like I was betraying you. I always wonder who I would’ve become if I went with you, if only he didn’t have to die. I wanted so badly for us to stay close even if we couldn’t be together, but I “fell in love” with her. I gave everything to her and forgot about you. That is most painful to me. I’m a terrible friend. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I had never given up. Regrets are like needles in my flesh. I can’t move without them cutting me deeper. Why did I have to ruin everything?

I knew I didn’t love you. I have grown at least that much. Yet, the feelings I’ve had for you are the strongest I’ve ever had in my life, including this hopeless emotion. Never before have I failed so misserably. Regrets.. What could I compare this feeling to? Salt on open wounds as I continue to mess u0p, Sleep after a blow to the head when I feel like giving up, Cleets poking holes in the side of my fallen face as I realize I can’t, A rusty knive twisting the insides of my stomach when I see you with someone else, Intense heat after even more intense freeze when I feel it’s not too late, Being stomped to death when I find, all my hope has been for nothing. So many regrettable decisions that never end. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I wasn’t such an idiot. I wish I was more like them. I wash I hadn’t sacrificed being normal for this. I wish I hadn’t waited so long. I wish I could forget it all. Why do I have to ruin everything?