Forever Enchanted

L

ifa, I remember when we first met, I had almost no desire for you, my eyes looked elsewhere. And after my incredible failure, I accepted my loneliness. I was alone at Eliathah, a loser. I didn’t know what I was doing, I couldn’t talk, couldn’t make friends. All I ever did was sit around by myself at your house. It disgusts me how I used to be. But you still befriended me. I tried to return the favor, but I wasn’t capable of being a good friend, I was useless. I still punish myself for not being able to be close to you. Though I tried my best to accept my state, my eyes began hunting once again.

and then…

A

ngel, I remember when I first realized how beautiful you had become, you with your golden hair. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. When you noticed, you asked me if there was something wrong. I’ve always wished I had told you how beautiful you looked. I became quite a bit attracted to you after that. I was a little upset that you were so young, wondering why I never found girls older than me that I liked. I even tried to find someone else I liked better than you. No one I found interested me more than you. So I accepted that I liked you but I didn’t know what to do. I remember all the dreams of you, how much time I spent thinking of you. And I remember how I would only ever see you a few minutes a week, and I would always curse life for my bad luck. I also remember that day, I was finally near you. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I hated myself. I knew I had screwed myself, with all my dreaming of you, you had become the unattainable, the ultimate end. My mind was in panic over you. I knew it had to stop.

and then…

L

ifa, I remember trying so hard to let go, but at night you flooded my mind. I thought maybe I should give up on you altogether but a friendship with you was not something to be thrown away. But every time we interacted, my feeling would return. I tried my best to keep my cool. But my dreams were relentless. And with my growing confidence came a spark of hope which set my soul ablaze.

and then…

A

ngel, I remember how sure I was that I would make you mine. I remembered how easy it was with Haven, I knew I could do it again. I decided I was going to wow you, I would be better than I was with Moni, better than I was with Finch. I would be stronger, a better fighter, a better artist, I would finish my songs,. I was going to take all my good points, and raise them to the moon. I was even going to start singing again. You wouldn’t be able to resist the new me. I had plans. I was putting them to action. I was writing, the words flowed. But my conscience started speaking. I remember the uneasiness I would feel when I would write how you meant everything to me, placing you above everything else. God’s supposed to be that to me. I told myself they’re only words, but I knew what I was doing.

and then…

L

ifa, I remember the incredible pain of that day, having to face the fact that I would never be with you. Having to turn my back on you made me feel so low, so worthless. After all this time of wanting you, not only has all my words been proven meaningless, I was being forced to give up on you. I couldn’t stand it, my pride was broken. How would you see me if you knew, if you knew how much I claimed to want you and how I did nothing, just gave up? I couldn’t stand to look at you. And once again my dreams wouldn’t let me rest; telling me all hope was not lost. The blueprints for their master plan were laid out before me. I thought I knew better, but never before had my dreams worked so diligently and unanimously to convince me. And they were giving me one last chance at what I wanted most, they were so beautiful. My mind began to waver.

and now…

A

ngel, here I am in limbo; do I want you as a friend or more? But it seems I'm not worthy of either. The thought of never being able to be close to you terrifies me, but I dread the pain of failure. What if I’m just not good enough? My dreams tell me different but they’re not to be trusted. I got lucky with Haven. Haven didn't know me. But you've seen me, and I've seen your contemptuous looks. I'm so lost. My world is in chaos. But my words are made worthless. Why can I never show you my soul? Why can't I express how much I'm helpless before you? I'm so lost, and I hate to have lost you. This cycle never ends.

Forever Enchanted