Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye, My Dear. It pains me to say those words. It hurts to still see your face after I’ve turned my back on the future we could’ve had. In your face I see the door to happiness, forever shut. You used to speak to me; you never used to look down on me. But I screwed everything up, showed my true colors, when I did nothing. I thought I was better but I am still the same. Oh My Dear, should feelings so strong remain unspoken? I don’t think I can bear looking at you any longer, wondering if you know how much you mean to me. But still I wait, silently, diligently waiting for the day it is all revealed. I wonder what will happen on that day, what will you say, will you even care? I don’t, not anymore, or so I say. Who’s to say how I‘ll feel on that day. I feel like my whole future has died. It’s hard to remember, with all I see now, that there were moments when we talked to each other, joked with each other. The memories bring more pain than pleasure. What happened to me? I wish I could turn back the clock, go back to those days, and never let you pass me by. More than the distance between us now, even more than my empty future, is the pain of remembering I FUCKING HAD A CHANCE!! But I had to screw it up like a fucking idiot. Why the fuck am I here!? Why do I screw up every fucking potential relationship? What Am I Doing Here!?! I’m a waste of flesh. What good do I bring to this place? I’m useless. Just an idiot, just a fucking loser! I can’t die like this. I Can’t Die A Loser! But I just can’t stand living like one. I have nothing, no one. I Would be better off never born. Fuck life. This body is a cage, a prison. My soul’s on fire, my mind has so much to say, but I can’t reach you with these chains, pulling me back. So all I can do is dream, and draw, write, sing, create, paint the scenes of my soul, and hope that you see me. I put my all in my art so when you see them, you see all of me, hoping that you here my thoughts and words my lips can’t speak. But all my art can’t describe how I feel about you, how beautiful you are to me. No matter how I try I can’t capture your beauty, your worth. Your face brings light to the shadows of my mind. Your smile moves my soul. I remember watching you from a distance, feeling the pain of separation, comforted by your smiles. I would be enchanted by the sound of your voice. But now as I listen, all I want to do is rip my fucking ears out! Hearing you talk’n bout how good you feel with someone else! The words cut through my soul. Jealousy clouds my thoughts, hate like a cloud strangles me, I can’t breathe! Flashes of my past, memories of failures, lost hopes, broken dreams, fleeting opportunities. I am alone. Your face haunts me, your voice taunts me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’ve failed. Again! I’m done.

Goodbye, My Dear