Thinking About Lifa

09/04/2010

I was sitting by the front door at Eliathah when I decided that I had to end this game with Lifa. I realized that my attraction for her was getting too strong and was getting in the way of my relationship with God. I was not at all happy with this decision. The pain drove me to go for a walk again. I hadn't gone for a walk here for a while since the others started questioning me about it, but I didn't care anymore. I imagined the questions and the looks, I heard part of my soul ordering me to stop, worried that I would undo all I've done to seem normal, but I told him that there was no longer any reason to worry about appearing normal. I imagined Bryan lecturing me on not giving up, I heard him ask me how I was planning on attracting Lifa, or anybody else, if I ke0pt acting strange. I thought to myself, I am strange, and I'm pretty sure she and everyone else know that. I should just accept the fact that I always was and probably always will be a loser. . Dream Bryan told me I wasn't a loser so I looked back at my life once again and replied, “Where’s the proof”. I had to walk back to church because I forgot my phone on the table. By the time I had gotten there, the pain was already gone. Lifa and some others passed me outside of the church and I wondered where they were going. I got my phone, got a drink and went for another walk. I started dreaming of Lifa’s reaction if she knew everything. I walked past the bridge and I heard voices. They sounded like they were across the street but no one was there. Then Lifa called out to me to say hi when I realized they were on the bridge. I was tempted to go up there with them but decided against it. I started walking again and decided I didn’t want to think of anything connected to Lifa. I couldn’t think of anything. I looked back at my life recently and realized all I’ve been doing or thinking has been somehow tied to her. I turned back, hoping she’d still be on the bridge. I knew she wasn’t but I couldn’t help hoping she was. I began thinking of what to do if she was still there, what I might say. She, of course, wasn’t there anymore and I realized the pain had made its way back. I slowly walked up the bridge, wondering what to do, and now here I am, standing on the bridge, reluctant to go back to church where she may still be.

When I got back at the church, I saw her sitting out there by the children’s room. I wanted so badly to go over to her and just hold her. I wanted to tell her everything, about how long I’ve wanted her, about how crazy she makes me, how much I treasure her, and how impossible it is to stop dreaming of her. I see her with her friends and I envy them. Seeing her with anyone else still makes me feel like dying.

I can’t help but feel like I missed out on a great opportunity. I feel like I lost all hope when I turned my back to Lifa. It’s just me though. My mind keeps telling me something grand is about to happen even though we all know that nothing would have changed had I met her on the bridge. All she did was say hi. There was no invitation, no expectations, no possibilities. But I still feel like that moment sealed my fate, and now I’ll die alone.

10/04/2010

And what am I supposed to do now? She is still the first thing I think of when I wake up from bed. That moment still haunts me. I know it was nothing but her voice sounded so bright, so inviting. I can’t ignore her, but every time I’m near her the fire burns hotter. And though I doubt it is the case, what if we are meant to be together? I can’t expect God to do everything for me while I do nothing. T can’t just stop trying but I don’t know if I can balance my possible relationship with her and my relationship with God. I don’t know what to do.