A New Beginning

That was it.  That was the last of it.  I gave up what was most important to me.  I now have nothing. 

It hurts. 

The look on her face, the emotion in her words.  She took it better than I did.  I couldn’t breathe I barely could keep the tears from falling, though they blocked my vision.  You could hear it in my voice, I was dying. 

Why did we meet?  Why did we grow close? 

This was His plan.  He gave me the finest gold and told me to choose.  He is the goldsmith and she was the fire; it burned.  Why do we have to feel this pain?  Why couldn’t there be an easier path? 

I just pray that this was not all for nothing.  No. It was not.  I can feel the Comforter here with me.  I am moving on to where He wants me to be.  This is a new beginning. 

I just hope I won’t be the only one. 

I Didn't Feel Anything

I wondered to myself, “If I say it now, will it be true?”  Will I be lying if I said, “I surrender.  I am yours”?  I didn’t feel anything.  I wished for something, anything, but my soul is dead.  But its corpse still gets in my way.  He asked for us to come up.  I was the first one there, wondering, hoping that this would finally be the moment.  I’ve never stepped up before.  I told myself its nothing but a symbol.  But I’ve been frustrated by so many defeats I had to try it.  I stood up there as he spoke to me.  And the words that he said to me held so much truth; this had to be it, yet, as he prayed over me, laid his hands on me, I DIDN’T FEEL ANYTHING!  I wished for something, anything! I walked alone, pleading with God, hoping for change.  I believed I had, but somewhere deep inside there was doubt.  I felt nothing but sadness and disappointment.  Is there no hope for me?  How do I rid myself of this doubt?  He told me that I was waiting for something to happen when something already had.  But how could I be saved if I didn’t feel anything? 

No Escape

I really wasn't into her at first; I hated to be around her.  But she was extra friendly, and I've never been one to push away a potential friend so I reciprocated.  But as usual, things died for a while, we didn't talk for a few months but we were reunited when the school year started back up.  But things had changed.  It began to seem less friendly and more intimate.  I never once thought of her that way; I was strongly opposed to it.  It was made plain, however, that she liked me.  I didn't want to hurt her and I was starting to enjoy our friendship.  But despite my feelings, we grew ever closer.  And to my surprise, she made me feel unnaturally good.  She made me forget how lonely I felt, if only for an instant.  Spending time with her, being next to her, lying beside her evoked feelings I never imagined she could give me.  I was confused.  Do I like her?  Maybe it’s just the loneliness.  Maybe it could've been anyone.  How do I really feel about her?  The way we were around each other made me question our relationship.  I kept hoping that she was just being friendly; maybe I'm not the only one she treats like this.  Then I saw her treat someone else like this.  I should've been relieved.  I should've been ok.  I was pretty irritated, pretty angry.  I felt betrayed.  I felt belittled.  I felt lonely again. I was so jealous.  Why the hell would I be jealous?  I don't even like her like that.  This is what I had hoped for.  So why do I feel like this?  I knew it was foolish so I handled it, set myself straight.  We are only friends and there’s no reason to have all these unnecessary emotions.  For a time, I felt nothing for her.  I was fine, yet, every minute of the day I can hear her voice.  Every time I close my eyes I can see her next to me.  What is this?  Is it impossible to rid myself of this?  This is so strange, and so incredible.  I can’t deny anymore that I really do like her.  I’ve been caged once again. 

Close To The Edge

I’m close to the edge; and I know I can fall for you in an instant. 

I miss those emotions.  I miss missing; I miss hoping; I miss dreaming. I remember how crazy I was for the others. I remember the joy of being with them, and the sweet pain of being away. I can’t tell if it hurt more than pleased, or if maybe I enjoyed the pain. I know I can do it again, but I know I shouldn’t; this is the better way. 

I’m close to the edge; and I know I can fall for you in an instant. 

I can easily get lost in your beautiful eyes, or be captured helplessly by your enchanting smile. I can easily drown myself with the sound of your voice. I can so easily be taken away from this place with thoughts and dreams of you. I can feel the emotions rising; it would not be hard to lose myself in you, but I know it would only complicate. Friendship does not require them, but they are so inviting. 

I’m close to the edge; and I know I can fall for you in an instant. 

It is so tempting to just jump off, but I have to stay, or I have to walk away. I’ve never done this before. I’ve only ever been over the edge looking back up. Is this my graduation? Is this how it is meant to be? I really wonder. I don’t know where this road will take me. I don’t know how long I can stand by the edge. I will try. 

Peace

I thought you might be her. I thought that my dreams would finally come true. I thought that we could be together and this night would finally end. But you can’t be her. I can never have you. So many dreams, broken. All my hopes have been betrayed. I’ve hungered so much for you, planned so much, thought so much, worried so much. There was chaos in my mind, but, now, it’s all gone. And the funny thing is, it’s o.k. Words cannot express how free I feel. I have wings, I’m so light. And all I can think about is how much I am going to enjoy being friends with you. This was one of the most stressful weeks of my life. And one of the best. And now I can sleep peacefully, and wake carefree. I’m enjoying life for the first time in years. How many times must I say it for it to finally sink in? Friendship over Love. Friend over Lover. The blazing fire burns out quickly, but the hot embers smolder still. As much as I was devoted to being a good boyfriend, I’m so much more devoted to being a good friend. I will never betray you. I want our friendship to last forever. I feel like I’ve finally found where I belong, like finally I can have peace.

Regrets

I’m 20 years old now, but not once have I had a meaningful relationship. Many “attempts,” more failures. I wonder if I’m a failure. You’re supposed to learn from your mistakes, but I never learn. I make the same mistakes over and over and over again. So many missed and broken opportunities are like smoke, clouding my vision, stealing my air, a constant reminder of where I’ve been, where I could have been. So many missed and broken opportunities are like blades, slicing unforgivingly, renting mercilessly, forever scarring flesh. So many missed and broken opportunities are like rotting trash; my soul is filled to the brim. When I open my mouth, all that escapes is that putrid aroma. So many mistakes and inhibitions color all I do or say to the point where I can’t see redemption. I wish I could take it back. That word that I took so long to say I abused with every chance; I was a fool to think I had it. That word I now refuse to say, love. Where is love? I’ve never seen it. Love isn’t for fools like me.

I thought I loved you. Saying that makes me feel like such a loser. How could I have been so stupid? I barely knew you. But even so, you are the closest I’ve been to breaking my loneliness. I’m sure we could’ve made it. If only I hadn’t listened to that man’s lies. I fell for it. I never thought that he would lie to me, not about this. I was foolish to believe it. Now I know the truth yet there is nothing I can do about it, it’s already over. Now I have to see you with someone else, I’m filled with jealousy. Seeing you with someone else makes me wonder, what could we have been? Why did it have to end like this, leaving me with not even a taste? I wish I could take it back. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I had never left you. Regrets weigh me down, my soul is heavy. Why did I have to ruin everything?

And I thought I loved you. That’s not so bad, I knew you well. I’ve said it before, you were my dream gurl. But that was the old me. You were NewBlood’s dream. NewBlood is dead, I have a new dream. Even as I say this, I know NewLloyd’s dream is so much like you. I was afraid I could never kill that part of me if I got with you. I’m sure I was right but that doesn’t excuse my inaction. Even before I set out to kill him, even then I did nothing. I was a loser. I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid so I didn’t try. I hate myself for that. When I started talking to her, I felt like I was betraying you. I always wonder who I would’ve become if I went with you, if only he didn’t have to die. I wanted so badly for us to stay close even if we couldn’t be together, but I “fell in love” with her. I gave everything to her and forgot about you. That is most painful to me. I’m a terrible friend. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I had never given up. Regrets are like needles in my flesh. I can’t move without them cutting me deeper. Why did I have to ruin everything?

I knew I didn’t love you. I have grown at least that much. Yet, the feelings I’ve had for you are the strongest I’ve ever had in my life, including this hopeless emotion. Never before have I failed so misserably. Regrets.. What could I compare this feeling to? Salt on open wounds as I continue to mess u0p, Sleep after a blow to the head when I feel like giving up, Cleets poking holes in the side of my fallen face as I realize I can’t, A rusty knive twisting the insides of my stomach when I see you with someone else, Intense heat after even more intense freeze when I feel it’s not too late, Being stomped to death when I find, all my hope has been for nothing. So many regrettable decisions that never end. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I wasn’t such an idiot. I wish I was more like them. I wash I hadn’t sacrificed being normal for this. I wish I hadn’t waited so long. I wish I could forget it all. Why do I have to ruin everything?

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye, My Dear. It pains me to say those words. It hurts to still see your face after I’ve turned my back on the future we could’ve had. In your face I see the door to happiness, forever shut. You used to speak to me; you never used to look down on me. But I screwed everything up, showed my true colors, when I did nothing. I thought I was better but I am still the same. Oh My Dear, should feelings so strong remain unspoken? I don’t think I can bear looking at you any longer, wondering if you know how much you mean to me. But still I wait, silently, diligently waiting for the day it is all revealed. I wonder what will happen on that day, what will you say, will you even care? I don’t, not anymore, or so I say. Who’s to say how I‘ll feel on that day. I feel like my whole future has died. It’s hard to remember, with all I see now, that there were moments when we talked to each other, joked with each other. The memories bring more pain than pleasure. What happened to me? I wish I could turn back the clock, go back to those days, and never let you pass me by. More than the distance between us now, even more than my empty future, is the pain of remembering I FUCKING HAD A CHANCE!! But I had to screw it up like a fucking idiot. Why the fuck am I here!? Why do I screw up every fucking potential relationship? What Am I Doing Here!?! I’m a waste of flesh. What good do I bring to this place? I’m useless. Just an idiot, just a fucking loser! I can’t die like this. I Can’t Die A Loser! But I just can’t stand living like one. I have nothing, no one. I Would be better off never born. Fuck life. This body is a cage, a prison. My soul’s on fire, my mind has so much to say, but I can’t reach you with these chains, pulling me back. So all I can do is dream, and draw, write, sing, create, paint the scenes of my soul, and hope that you see me. I put my all in my art so when you see them, you see all of me, hoping that you here my thoughts and words my lips can’t speak. But all my art can’t describe how I feel about you, how beautiful you are to me. No matter how I try I can’t capture your beauty, your worth. Your face brings light to the shadows of my mind. Your smile moves my soul. I remember watching you from a distance, feeling the pain of separation, comforted by your smiles. I would be enchanted by the sound of your voice. But now as I listen, all I want to do is rip my fucking ears out! Hearing you talk’n bout how good you feel with someone else! The words cut through my soul. Jealousy clouds my thoughts, hate like a cloud strangles me, I can’t breathe! Flashes of my past, memories of failures, lost hopes, broken dreams, fleeting opportunities. I am alone. Your face haunts me, your voice taunts me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’ve failed. Again! I’m done.

Goodbye, My Dear

Forever Enchanted

L

ifa, I remember when we first met, I had almost no desire for you, my eyes looked elsewhere. And after my incredible failure, I accepted my loneliness. I was alone at Eliathah, a loser. I didn’t know what I was doing, I couldn’t talk, couldn’t make friends. All I ever did was sit around by myself at your house. It disgusts me how I used to be. But you still befriended me. I tried to return the favor, but I wasn’t capable of being a good friend, I was useless. I still punish myself for not being able to be close to you. Though I tried my best to accept my state, my eyes began hunting once again.

and then…

A

ngel, I remember when I first realized how beautiful you had become, you with your golden hair. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. When you noticed, you asked me if there was something wrong. I’ve always wished I had told you how beautiful you looked. I became quite a bit attracted to you after that. I was a little upset that you were so young, wondering why I never found girls older than me that I liked. I even tried to find someone else I liked better than you. No one I found interested me more than you. So I accepted that I liked you but I didn’t know what to do. I remember all the dreams of you, how much time I spent thinking of you. And I remember how I would only ever see you a few minutes a week, and I would always curse life for my bad luck. I also remember that day, I was finally near you. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I hated myself. I knew I had screwed myself, with all my dreaming of you, you had become the unattainable, the ultimate end. My mind was in panic over you. I knew it had to stop.

and then…

L

ifa, I remember trying so hard to let go, but at night you flooded my mind. I thought maybe I should give up on you altogether but a friendship with you was not something to be thrown away. But every time we interacted, my feeling would return. I tried my best to keep my cool. But my dreams were relentless. And with my growing confidence came a spark of hope which set my soul ablaze.

and then…

A

ngel, I remember how sure I was that I would make you mine. I remembered how easy it was with Haven, I knew I could do it again. I decided I was going to wow you, I would be better than I was with Moni, better than I was with Finch. I would be stronger, a better fighter, a better artist, I would finish my songs,. I was going to take all my good points, and raise them to the moon. I was even going to start singing again. You wouldn’t be able to resist the new me. I had plans. I was putting them to action. I was writing, the words flowed. But my conscience started speaking. I remember the uneasiness I would feel when I would write how you meant everything to me, placing you above everything else. God’s supposed to be that to me. I told myself they’re only words, but I knew what I was doing.

and then…

L

ifa, I remember the incredible pain of that day, having to face the fact that I would never be with you. Having to turn my back on you made me feel so low, so worthless. After all this time of wanting you, not only has all my words been proven meaningless, I was being forced to give up on you. I couldn’t stand it, my pride was broken. How would you see me if you knew, if you knew how much I claimed to want you and how I did nothing, just gave up? I couldn’t stand to look at you. And once again my dreams wouldn’t let me rest; telling me all hope was not lost. The blueprints for their master plan were laid out before me. I thought I knew better, but never before had my dreams worked so diligently and unanimously to convince me. And they were giving me one last chance at what I wanted most, they were so beautiful. My mind began to waver.

and now…

A

ngel, here I am in limbo; do I want you as a friend or more? But it seems I'm not worthy of either. The thought of never being able to be close to you terrifies me, but I dread the pain of failure. What if I’m just not good enough? My dreams tell me different but they’re not to be trusted. I got lucky with Haven. Haven didn't know me. But you've seen me, and I've seen your contemptuous looks. I'm so lost. My world is in chaos. But my words are made worthless. Why can I never show you my soul? Why can't I express how much I'm helpless before you? I'm so lost, and I hate to have lost you. This cycle never ends.

Forever Enchanted

Thinking About Lifa

09/04/2010

I was sitting by the front door at Eliathah when I decided that I had to end this game with Lifa. I realized that my attraction for her was getting too strong and was getting in the way of my relationship with God. I was not at all happy with this decision. The pain drove me to go for a walk again. I hadn't gone for a walk here for a while since the others started questioning me about it, but I didn't care anymore. I imagined the questions and the looks, I heard part of my soul ordering me to stop, worried that I would undo all I've done to seem normal, but I told him that there was no longer any reason to worry about appearing normal. I imagined Bryan lecturing me on not giving up, I heard him ask me how I was planning on attracting Lifa, or anybody else, if I ke0pt acting strange. I thought to myself, I am strange, and I'm pretty sure she and everyone else know that. I should just accept the fact that I always was and probably always will be a loser. . Dream Bryan told me I wasn't a loser so I looked back at my life once again and replied, “Where’s the proof”. I had to walk back to church because I forgot my phone on the table. By the time I had gotten there, the pain was already gone. Lifa and some others passed me outside of the church and I wondered where they were going. I got my phone, got a drink and went for another walk. I started dreaming of Lifa’s reaction if she knew everything. I walked past the bridge and I heard voices. They sounded like they were across the street but no one was there. Then Lifa called out to me to say hi when I realized they were on the bridge. I was tempted to go up there with them but decided against it. I started walking again and decided I didn’t want to think of anything connected to Lifa. I couldn’t think of anything. I looked back at my life recently and realized all I’ve been doing or thinking has been somehow tied to her. I turned back, hoping she’d still be on the bridge. I knew she wasn’t but I couldn’t help hoping she was. I began thinking of what to do if she was still there, what I might say. She, of course, wasn’t there anymore and I realized the pain had made its way back. I slowly walked up the bridge, wondering what to do, and now here I am, standing on the bridge, reluctant to go back to church where she may still be.

When I got back at the church, I saw her sitting out there by the children’s room. I wanted so badly to go over to her and just hold her. I wanted to tell her everything, about how long I’ve wanted her, about how crazy she makes me, how much I treasure her, and how impossible it is to stop dreaming of her. I see her with her friends and I envy them. Seeing her with anyone else still makes me feel like dying.

I can’t help but feel like I missed out on a great opportunity. I feel like I lost all hope when I turned my back to Lifa. It’s just me though. My mind keeps telling me something grand is about to happen even though we all know that nothing would have changed had I met her on the bridge. All she did was say hi. There was no invitation, no expectations, no possibilities. But I still feel like that moment sealed my fate, and now I’ll die alone.

10/04/2010

And what am I supposed to do now? She is still the first thing I think of when I wake up from bed. That moment still haunts me. I know it was nothing but her voice sounded so bright, so inviting. I can’t ignore her, but every time I’m near her the fire burns hotter. And though I doubt it is the case, what if we are meant to be together? I can’t expect God to do everything for me while I do nothing. T can’t just stop trying but I don’t know if I can balance my possible relationship with her and my relationship with God. I don’t know what to do.

Eternal Dance

I hate this cruel game. I hate this evil dance. I hate this unstable balance. Do you like me or don't you? Do I have you or do I not? Can we stay together? Are we friends? Can we talk to each other? Are we close? Are we too different or have you accepted me? Am I a nobody or do you see me worthy? So often we seem so apart and I feel like there's no hope. I tell myself it's probly better and I chain up my emotions and put out the fire of my desires. But the embers smolder still. And then, without warning, we joke and play as friends do and the embers ignite and my desire for you burns hotter than before and my feelings break free of their prison. My hope is revived and my insanity returns, but only to yet again be replaced by loneliness and despair. I hate this unstable balance, leaning towards success, giving me hope or falling to my failure and the end of this fight, yet returning, inexorably, to uncertainty. I hate this evil dance, this moving back and forth of this relationship between friends and aquaintances, confusing and unceasing. I hate this cruel game, where I can never win, yet fate sees fit to toy with me, never giving the fatal blow. This struggle with my Dark Angel gives me at the same time, the deepest feelings of joy, and the sharpest feelings of despair. But I cannot give up. I will endure this eternal dance for as long as I must for my hope is enduring.

Why can't life be more like a dream

I wish I had never woken up. Life is so much better in that other world. Why I can't I remember my dreams, or even why they make me feel so good? Why must that beautiful world be shattered by daylight, leaving nothing but vague sensations? Dreams, don't leave me, or at least leave me with more than just memories of an emotion quickly fading. Why can't life be more like a dream?

Oh, that wonderful world. A world where anything is possible, a world without the chains of reality. And everything I my heart desires is there within my grasp. Why can't life be more like a dream?

Morpheus, show me a world where all my family lives. Where we are all friends, where grudges don't exist and forgiveness is the norm. Where we speak from are hearts and remove our masks and our souls are one. Coming together as one body as we debate both the utterly trivial and the consequentially monumental. Playing childish games with friends regardless of age or maturity. Interacting through friendship that reaches beyond prejeduce and social laws. Holding hands with the unlikeliest of people as we venture out into this grand and beautiful world of communion and companionship. Could you please tell me? Why can't life be more like a dream?

And Phobetor, what beautiful creatures will you show me tonight. Send me the wonderful creatures of this earth but keep from me your nightmares tonight. Though I walk through your dark forests, I marvel at all the strange creatures here. Of what use is fear here in this wonderful world of mine. I can wrestle with the tigers and run with the wolves. Even the birds cease there flying in the sky to come keep me company. Does anybody know, why life can't be more like a dream?

Phantasos, take me to places greater than reality. Take me to places beyond my grasp. Let me scale the highest mountains or even walk on the fluffy cloudtops. Or let me play where the true warriors stay, clashing swords with samurais and ninjas. Or let me go back up to my home, where my friends still stay. Can you explain to me, why can't life be more like a dream?

And you my Dark Angel, won't you be with me tonight? And if you do, nolonger will you be my Dark Angel but you'll shine like the Angel you are. And I'll confess to you my soul and speak of things that words cannot describe. Can I hold you tonight? Let me just bask in your beauty tonight. Let me forget the pains of the waking world. Some say dreams are meaningless and full of nonsense, but I don't care whether there is meaning to this or not. When I dream, the what and the why are meaningless and all that matters is the feeling, the joy, the ecstasy. A feeling destined to die in the dreadful morning. Why why why. Why can't life be more like a dream?

Insanity

I keep telling myself to be calm, but I want so much to be with you so I can’t help but mess with you. My mind is filled with images of you. You have conquered my dreams. There isn’t a day that I don’t think about you. Every good thing I wish I could share with you. Every single love song reminds me how much I want you. And every time I think of you, I am painfully reminded of my past, and all the mistakes I’ve made. I remember all the relationships I destroyed and I realize, I am unfit, as I am now, to be with you. I am always tempted to use that cursed word with you but I now know that that word is just an illusion before my eyes. I, as I am now, am not capable of love, nor am I capable of a good relationship. So I must wait, wait until I grow better. But my mind, body and soul are so impatient.

A mind full of hope, haunted by life’s painful realities.

A body instinctively drawn forward, held back by chains of an unwavering fear.

A soul enchanted by dreams, petrified by a history of pain.

Two eyes enticed by a wonderful visage, put off by the distance betwixt.

Two hands smoldering with zeal, yearning to take hold of that which it desires, paralyzed a broken will.

A voice ready to erupt, driven to speak, to yell, to sing, to scream, fighting to release, to relieve the fire burning inside, choked by wariness.

This war with Morpheus and Phobetor and Phantasos, this struggle with my Dark Angel, this is Insanity.

Dreams vs Reality

I have found my source of happiness. I have finally found a place to ease the pain. I have found joy in my family and my family does grow. But even now can I still not be satisfied? My foolish soul has yet again found a forbidden jewel to seek after. I have found her once again, my dream girl. But I now know that the dream is not real. I now know better than to view this world through the windows of my dreams, but my soul hungers still, and I do want her. Every time I'm round her I can feel her drawing me in, her look, her smell, her whole being, like gravity. Tempting me to touch, to taste... but no! I made an oath, all I want is to be with her and to befriend her. But we are always apart. All it seems I can do is watch from a distance and dream, and hope. Hope, what a useless word. But dreams, dreams can be so pleasing, so long as they remain only dreams, fantasies, illusions. But this dream, this illusion seems so real when I see her. I can almost reach out and touch it, reach in and hold her, embrace her, kiss her from head from her thighs to lips, touch her from head to toe, I hope I don't wake up but no, I'm still awake and I hope I don't slip up and chase her, chase this mirage. I know I can't keep up. No I can't love her but my soul, it won't give up, no I can't have it. As many times as I fall I just get up, brush it off and I stand it. But fate just won't let up. We were never meant to be but told her I'd make it work, told her I'd make it last. I tried so hard but my life just couldn't stand it. But I guess I can't just blame it all on circumstances, maybe it just me. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, wasn't meant for me. I've been chasing a dream saying, anybody can realize they're dream if they try, but I've watched my dreams be killed one by one. Now my future is looking bleak. I never imagined I'd have to live life without my other half. But then I found I still wasn't alone. I still have my friends, I still have family. But she is still so far. Why can't she be with me too? All I want is her friendship but she is still so far. And her sight still makes me think of my dream. She is so much like her. Her face, her voice, her attitude, her smell, her warmth, her taste... no! No its not worth it! I've already given up on that. I have sacrificed those pleasures and accepted that I may never experience them. I don't need to know them. But she has agitated my calm, shakken my resolve, shattered my control. I want her. Whenever she's near me I can feel her warmth, I hunger for her. I go insane inside my mind as I feel my hands inching towards her but hold back, slap the hand, I can't lose it I gotta contain my soul and chain my body, this urge, but it dominates my thoughts and clouds my sight. I'm blinded by these feelings, why do I have to bear these attatchments? All I want is friendship, Why can't I break these ties? But I guess its good that she doesn't like me back, but it pains me. Her cold eyes haunt me as I ponder the irrelevent. How does she see me? Does she dispise me? Do I even have a chance? How do I end this nightmare? I'm tormenting myself with my undying ambition and this impervious hope. How strange it is to be haunted by this Angel. I guess I must always have a Dark Angel.

Friendship vs Love

A life spent chasing dreams awards only emptiness and disappointment. Dreams are only dreams, meant to live only in one’s fantasies. This life massacres dreams. The fate of all dreams is to rot away. And the rotting corpses of dead dreams endlessly weigh down both mind and soul. A broken heart takes time to heal, but this life is relentless. A life of loneliness hungers for love. The heart of a lonely man is filled with lovely dreams and those dreams are constantly assaulted by reality. A heart full of despair is burdened by the memories of the deaths countless broken dreams. A heart, shattered and torn, bleeds a river. And the river becomes a lake, and the lake an ocean, an ocean of his feelings, his attachments, his love, poured out freely. No longer seeking the joys of a lover, but cherishing friends and sacrificing his pleasures for the enjoyment of his family. Enduring the endless pain he is comforted by their smiles, abandoning his dying dreams so that theirs might flourish. It is better not to dream than to hope and live to see that hope murdered. It is better to be content with what one has than to strive for that which he can never have. Better to be together as friends forever than to forever lose a lover.

Better Friendship than Love

These Hands

Haven, my love, I miss u so much. I wish I could be where you are. I want desperately to show you how much you mean to me. But what shall I do, eh? What is it that I must do to prove to you just how much I care for you? Shall I erect a figure of you from stones? Shall I plant you a grand garden? Shall I fashion you a magnifiscant blue dress? Shall I massage your body, touch you, bury you in kisses? You should know I'd do anything for you, I'd climb the highest mountain. I would fight an army for you. I would go any length to reach you. Oh how I long to make you smile, to touch you, to hold you, to kiss you. I want so badly to express my feelings for you, but my words are too weak, they are always muted when my hands speak, yelling their love as they do their works. These hands, they are the portal to my soul. They burn with the desire to release their love, to sing their desires, to dance along your body, to work, to fight, to comfort. But as much as I want to hold you, to touch you, I can't, my arms aren't long enough to bridge this gap, you remain outside of my reach. But these hands burns still, smoldering like hot coals, waiting for there chance to blaze. This is the language I speak. I speak through my hands. It pains me that I can't speak to you how I would like to. But I'll just have to talk like normal people for now I guess. Until we meet again my love.

Skrewed Upe

>I skrewed up once again. I thought I was better but I'm not, not yet. It feels as though I've gotten nowhere at all. I feel like I abandoned you. I know that I could've done more for you, you needed it, but I gave you nothing and I'm so sorry. My whole world is shaken as I wait to see the consequences of my actions. I restlessly await my chance to redeem myself. My soul craves redemption. T failed at my goal, my life's only purpose. I want to be there for you. I want to be there for you always. I don't want to be like the others, only with you in the good times. I want to be with you in the hard times when you need me but I don't know what to do, I don't know how to help you. I need help. I need teaching. I want to know how to help you, how to relieve your pain when you need me to. I want to be more than I am now, much more, for I am nothing as I am, I am useless. There is no reason for my existance if I remain this way. If I don't change all I will ever deserve is death. I thought I was better. I thought that there was something backing my vows but my words have proved themselves to be hollow. I promised that I'd fight for your hapiness like nothing else mattered, but I've already broken that promise. I can't let that happen again, I won't, and I'm so sorry for how I acted. I thought I was different, I promised, but I promise you now that I will be different, I will be better. I will become stronger, make my words actions. I will be who I said I am, do what I said I would do. And I hope that someday, I will become that man in the window. I know now that it won't come easily but such is life, life is pain, and nothing good comes without sacrifice. I will make those sacrifices. I can't be lazy anymore. I will focus, on you, on me. I'll work hard all day, and make plans all night. I said I'd make my dreams a reality but fuck my dreams. I don't deserve a thing. My actions deserve nothing but punishment. I have missed the mark once again. But I will fight to make this the last time. I am denying myself and my dreams, or at least I'll try. You are all that matter now. I cannot mess up again.

To Die For

My nights are nolonger spent alone for You are always with me in my Dreams. My Dreams are filled with much foolishness, much pain and loneliness, but then I see your face and everything is fine, more than fine. Dreams of You, they give me a feeling like no other. I feel like I'm in Heaven, like all my life was leading up to that moment, and all I want is to live in this moment forever, and when this moment is over, my life will have been complete and I can die happily. But then my eyes open, the Dream vanishes and as the feeling slowly fades into my memory, I am faced once again with the painful realities of my life. This is what I want most, to feel that way in my waking life, to make my Dream a reality. I'm hoping with all my soul that this feeling is not reserved for my Dreams alone. I'm fighting with all my life against fate to experience that emotion again, in real life. It's to Die for. I must find that feeling, I have nothing left to live for. If I don't find it I might as well be Dead. I don't care how long I must wait, it doesn't matter if it's only for a moment, I just want to be once again lost in my Love for you. That feeling, to Love you and be Loved by you, words cannot describe how I feel, how much I want you. I Love you.

Kill Me Now

I'm so tired of this shit, I just want this to be over, this life. Beacause this Pain is everlasting, and this life is relentless. Fate is looking down on me, Fate is my enemy. The difference between life and Pain to me is nothing. To live is to suffer and I nolonger want to continue in this foolish game.

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Life, Fate, they wish to keep from me the only thing I want most. It is out of my hands, I am helpless against these foes. I am not my life's master and Fate never sees fit to grant me what I want. I am suct here with these fools, they mean nothing to me. They ask so much of me, I don't want this, I don't want them. Life asks too much, burdening me with countless, pointless tasks. I don't want to do this, I don't care for these worthless rewards that my life says I require. This is all pointless.

---

This life, it burdens me to no end and the only end I see is Death. I do not fear it as these fools do. I just want this pain to end. I am hated and despised. They hate me just as I do. I wish they would just end it. I will give them no mercy, maybe they will have compasion and treat me no different.

Knocking At Future's Door

As I have said, I was broken and my dreams were dead. My life was worthless, life was pointless. All my dreams had died but now, one has been ressurected. One is now sure to be fulfilled. My dream to be with her. I can feel it. I saw it through the window. I saw a glimpse of the future. I saw her with someone, but he was not me. He was better than me. He was free, and he was happy and she loved him. I am not that man, but I will be. I must be. I will waste no more time. I will be better. I will become that man. Now I have left the window, I stand at the door and I knock. I can feel her presence on the other side. And when the door is opened, and if I am able to enter in, all of life will have been worth it. For this life, these dreams, they are poison. Dreams, they tell you you can, when all else tell you you can't. They make you want, they make you strive, they make you fight. When the world discourages you telling you you can't, they give you hope saying you really can. Sometimes they're wrong and the world is right. My dreams, I was wrong, about everything. I was wrong about it all, all my dreams, except this one. There really is hope for me, I really can do this. I must do this, not only for me but for her. She wants this and I cannot deny her. Finally I can contribute to the world. I can work to bring joy to the life of another because I know now that I cannot bring joy to my own. Now is my chance. And if I do this, I will prove to myself that these 19 years were not pointless, that I am worth something. Oh My Love, you have given me purpose. My world was tormented by endless night, but you have brought The Sun to this place to beat back the darkness. I hope to return the favor, my love.

And make this Dream Blossom into REALITY

My Muse My Motivation My Happiness

i had nothing. my life had no reason. all the pleasures of life lost there meaning. all my dreams were broken. i had no hope. i was a nobody, i was worthless, but now my life has purpose. i finally have a reason to live. she wants me so ima give her all of me. ill pull open the gateway to my soul. but i don't think that's enough. so ill sacrifice those things that they find so important. its an easy thing for me. they mean nothing to me. so u don't have to give anything back. an u will neva have ta do anything fo me im straight. like i said dere ain much dat pleases me anymore. butcha got one thing dat i want, your smile, your laugh, your hapiness. it means evrythang ta me to see u smile an kno i had somthn ta do wit it. gurl u are my hapiness an nothn else. all i ever want from u is your smile, your laugh, show me dat im doin my job. an tell me watchu want an u kno dat ima get it an u kno im gonna give it. an baby gurl u kno id neva leave ya im neva leavn it alone. u are my only motivation. i dream of u at night and think of u all day. im fightn wit my life ta do dis. u mean the world to me.

Pull Tha Curtains On Dis Shit

Ayo I gotta step my game up, its showtime, like apollo, im tryna fix my rhymes, open the door to my soul, dat barren wasteland, cuz there's gonna be a party up in therr so can I please get sum furniture in there please, shit, there's gonna be a concert up in dat bi so let me get some gud ass singaz please, opening tha doors ain shit if there's noth'n inside, I hope I didn't swing 'em open too soon, but I guess we bouta see ain it

Why Am I

Why am I like dis? Who am I, where did I come from? I ma demon. I tried ta live right an fo awhile I was beta. I felt so gud but now I'm worse. I searched my soul and found devils an skeletons, bloody dreams an evil desires, a fountain of hate and an ocean of anger. I no longer lie to myself an so I feel my anger and my hate burn an there is nothing to stop it. I no longer care wat people think of me but with boldness came shamelessness. My urges are stronger now an I can do nothing to stop them. I want to let in my Lord to change me but I don't kno how. I tried to Chain up my soul until my God made me like him but New G an the Wolves are fighting stronger. I don't know how to stop them.

A New Phase

I'm a failure. I wasn't good at being evil an now I'm not good at being good. I wanted you then an I try ta getchu now even tho I know we ain supposed ta be together. You ain right fa me. Now we walk different paths an I'm meant ta be separate from you an all da rest of da world. So I'ma give up. I'ma stop try'n, or really, stop try'n ta try cuz I ain really do noth'n. Maybe its destiny. Maybe I'm like dis so I wouldn't get in too deep. Its already hard but I'ma stop, stop rap'n, I'ma leave tha clothes at home sell tha shoes cuz you know I did it all for you. But just because we can't be together doesn't mean I can't let you know how I feel. I Love You Gurl. I always treasured you and I will always love you. You were NewBlood's dream. If you could only imagine tha things you an him could've done if we were together. But now NewBlood's dead and NewG's dying. I am not G an I am a Blood no more. I am a new being, a new me.

Life

I screwed up. I had a chance an now its gone. I had a dream an now its broken. I had many dreams, but I willingly gave them up for heaven. But this one was stolen from me by my own stupidity. She wanted it, she wanted to hear it, but I gave her nothing. Now I have nothing. Nothing to live for. Now when I wake up, there is nothing I see in my future to comfort me. Nothing to combat the stresses of life, to ease the pain. I used to dream of the future and it would give me strength, motivation, a reason to get out of bed. My dreams were my shelter against my cursed life. But now my nights are filled with dreamless sleep when I sleep at all. An there's no one to blame but myself. There's nothing left to do but live right and wait to die and see my savior whose coming soon to end my sorrow.